LifeStory_DarkestDays

Life Story

The Darkest Days

Total depression...

Pain and agony...

Self-Injury

I used to daydream about putting a pistol to my head and pulling the trigger. I forced myself to feel every bit of it. I would close my eyes and envision myself standing in the church parking lot. I had a gun in my hand and I was so angry. The people gathered around and I put the gun to my temple, but they didn't believe me. ''Oh, you don't think I can do it? You don't think I will?'' I shouted. Then I cocked the gun and growled ''I'll prove you wrong.'' I took one last look at the people and then... *Boom!* ...I pulled the trigger. I could hear their shock as my limp body started towards the ground. As I fell, I turned and looked at them again. The looks on their faces said it all. When I hit the pavement, my world was fading but the echo of the gun still lingered. Somebody called 911, but I knew it was too late. My blood was running down my face and I could feel it starting to pool beneath me. I tried to get up, but I fell back down. A cool wind started to blow and I knew it was time. So I rolled over on my back. I closed my eyes, and took a deep breath. I felt the world fading out and my life slipping away...I exhaled...I was gone...

I used to daydream about losing my sanity and mutilating myself with a razor. I would go into the bathroom with a razor and I would start thinking about everything...Everything I had done and said...Everything others had done and said. I would get very angry and depressed. Then, I would freak out and begin slashing myself uncontrollably with the razor. Nothing could stop me. I tore into my arms, legs, torso, neck, and face...Completely oblivious to pain. Finally, my rage would subside. I stood in front of a mirror and looking back at me was a horrific monster. Blood streamed from everywhere and hate filled my eyes. Only then did I realize how much pain I was in...Not just physically, but emotionally, too. I stood in my own blood and was sick to my stomach. I threw the razor down into the blood pool and walked away with blood dripping from me. I called a friend who panicked and then came to help take care of me and my demented self. Though I survived, I was scarred and defeated and only loneliness and rejection filled my heart from then on.

I used to daydream about slitting my wrists. I could feel the depression overpowering me. It was horrible...I couldn't take anymore. I had to end this torture somehow. I walked to the bathroom, then shut and locked the door behind me. I closed the toilet seat lid and sat down on it. Then, I dug the razor out of my hoodie pocket and began thinking. I took the razor and pressed it to my wrist. "Should I do it?", I thought to myself. I pushed the razor down harder. "Should I end it all right now?" Finally, I made the decision..."Tonight is my last night. I can't take it anymore. It's over tonight." I pressed down a little more on the razor and then I pulled it horizontally across my left wrist. Blood began to flow out. What a feeling it was! But, for me, it wasn't enough. I turned the razor parallel to my wrist, pressed it down, and ripped through the veins that held my life together. There was so much more blood than before. It was pouring out of my wrist, into my hand, and onto the floor. I stood up and was suddenly dizzy. I looked at the red pool on the floor and started to realize that maybe this wasn't what I wanted to do. I dropped the razor onto the floor and it splattered blood as it hit. I had to get an ambulance, so I turned towards the door and, as I waited for the room to stop spinning, things started changing colors. I took a couple steps towards the door and fell against it. I slid down the door, leaving it bloody with a single, crimson handprint just above head level. When I hit the floor, I knew it was too late. My vision was gray and there was a another pool of blood underneath me. I said a prayer and asked God to forgive me and to let my family and friends know that I love them and that I was sorry for what I had just done. By that time, almost everything was darkened. I took a raspy breath, and everything went dark. One last breath, and I slipped into Eternity.